"Uh, Mom, what is that?" Emily asked skeptically as she peered into her lunch bowl.
"It's pasta alfredo. You'll love it."
"Yeah, you're probably right, Mom," she said brightly. "Just because something smells really gross doesn't mean it will taste gross..."
Her confidence in my culinary ability is just overwhelming.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Bring It!
Emily: "Dad, let's go wrestle!"
"Okay."
Over her shoulder, "Oh and bring your ass... so I can kick it!"
Atta girl.
"Okay."
Over her shoulder, "Oh and bring your ass... so I can kick it!"
Atta girl.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Stupid Dr. Jones
So, I would like to say right up front that every story you have ever heard about toilet training is total bullshit. Nobody's kid has ever been totally toilet trained at 18 months. Maybe they got lucky and dropped one in the toilet once, but trust me when I tell you that it was probably an accident and that kid went on to shit his or her pants for a very long time after that. For some reason parents want everyone else to think their kid sprung from the womb and asked for the toilet paper. I think this is very disillusioning to new parents who don't know that this is total bullshit. Like us.
My oldest daughter resisted toilet training like a champ. She's always been extremely stubborn, and when you are small you control what you can. At age three, about all you can make the call on is if you eat your dinner or throw it and if you poop in your pants. My daughter chose the latter.
We actually got to the point where Isa would realize that she had to poop, go find a pull up (because we made her wear underwear during the day), take off her underwear, put on her pull up, poop, remove her pull up and throw it away. This really pissed me off. Not only was she clearly capable of going by herself, her chosen process was actually more complicated than just going in the fucking toilet. She would just rather skid mark every pair of underwear and frustrate her parents. Awesome.
Well, she went in for her yearly doctor's check-up. Dr. Jones asked her if she was still wearing pull ups. She said yes. He asked why, and she brightly replied it was because she liked pull ups. Ugh.
Dr. Jones told her in a very stern voice that she wasn't going to wear any more pulls ups and that when we got home, Mom and Dad were going to throw them all away. He said that she was a big girl and that she wasn't allowed to wear diapers anymore. She was very bummed. I was very skeptical.
We did it, albeit without much optimism. We threw away all the pull ups in the house. Except for Declan's. Those we hid.Because we were trying to potty train him, too. Yeah, our house totally did not smell like a park shelter bathroom all the fucking time or anything. It's very difficult to keep your sanity and dignity while parenting. That's how mumus and elastic waist pants happen.
Well, that daughter of mine decided that if she couldn't poop in a pull up that she just wouldn't poop at all. For FOUR days! The Husband and I decided to just wait her out. It couldn't stay in there forever, right???
On evening four, The Husband and I were sitting at the dining room table discussing important grown up things. Isa wandered over by us on her way to the kitchen. By this point, she was walking a little bowl-legged and holding her butt. She was talking to herself, so The Husband and I stopped to hear what she was saying.
All we caught as she waddled by with old-man-frog-ass was "Stupid Dr. Jones!"
As I sat, watching my daughter who would rather stagger around with days worth of poop turtle-ing out of her ass than just use the damn toilet, exhausted from not getting a good night's sleep in years, almost certainly encrusted with some sort of soil from one of the babies, and pregnant with yet another darling little girl I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of the next person who claimed that her kid was toilet trained in only four days. Because that person, whomever she was, was a lying fucking bitch.
My oldest daughter resisted toilet training like a champ. She's always been extremely stubborn, and when you are small you control what you can. At age three, about all you can make the call on is if you eat your dinner or throw it and if you poop in your pants. My daughter chose the latter.
We actually got to the point where Isa would realize that she had to poop, go find a pull up (because we made her wear underwear during the day), take off her underwear, put on her pull up, poop, remove her pull up and throw it away. This really pissed me off. Not only was she clearly capable of going by herself, her chosen process was actually more complicated than just going in the fucking toilet. She would just rather skid mark every pair of underwear and frustrate her parents. Awesome.
Well, she went in for her yearly doctor's check-up. Dr. Jones asked her if she was still wearing pull ups. She said yes. He asked why, and she brightly replied it was because she liked pull ups. Ugh.
Dr. Jones told her in a very stern voice that she wasn't going to wear any more pulls ups and that when we got home, Mom and Dad were going to throw them all away. He said that she was a big girl and that she wasn't allowed to wear diapers anymore. She was very bummed. I was very skeptical.
We did it, albeit without much optimism. We threw away all the pull ups in the house. Except for Declan's. Those we hid.Because we were trying to potty train him, too. Yeah, our house totally did not smell like a park shelter bathroom all the fucking time or anything. It's very difficult to keep your sanity and dignity while parenting. That's how mumus and elastic waist pants happen.
Well, that daughter of mine decided that if she couldn't poop in a pull up that she just wouldn't poop at all. For FOUR days! The Husband and I decided to just wait her out. It couldn't stay in there forever, right???
On evening four, The Husband and I were sitting at the dining room table discussing important grown up things. Isa wandered over by us on her way to the kitchen. By this point, she was walking a little bowl-legged and holding her butt. She was talking to herself, so The Husband and I stopped to hear what she was saying.
All we caught as she waddled by with old-man-frog-ass was "Stupid Dr. Jones!"
As I sat, watching my daughter who would rather stagger around with days worth of poop turtle-ing out of her ass than just use the damn toilet, exhausted from not getting a good night's sleep in years, almost certainly encrusted with some sort of soil from one of the babies, and pregnant with yet another darling little girl I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of the next person who claimed that her kid was toilet trained in only four days. Because that person, whomever she was, was a lying fucking bitch.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Know Your Audience
Emily was scheming on my candy bar.
"Mom, can I have a bite of that?"
"No, babe. It's almost gone and I don't have enough for your brother and sister, too."
"Puleeeeeeeease?"
She lowered her chin, put on her best little smile and batted her eyelashes.
"Em. Do the doe eyes ever work on me?"
"No."
"Has it ever, even once, in your whole life ever worked on me?"
"Never. Oh! I forgot! That shit only works on boys! Have you seen Dad?"
"Mom, can I have a bite of that?"
"No, babe. It's almost gone and I don't have enough for your brother and sister, too."
"Puleeeeeeeease?"
She lowered her chin, put on her best little smile and batted her eyelashes.
"Em. Do the doe eyes ever work on me?"
"No."
"Has it ever, even once, in your whole life ever worked on me?"
"Never. Oh! I forgot! That shit only works on boys! Have you seen Dad?"
Friday, October 14, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
I switched the family from cow milk to almond milk last week. I've been doing more reading about dairy and it's link to juvenile diabetes and a host of circulatory diseases. They all really liked the almond milk. In fact, Declan was particularly excited about the change.
"You know, I'm totally fine with giving up all dairy all together."
"Really? Why's that?"
"Well, to be honest, drinking cow boob milk is pretty creepy."
You know, when you present it that way...
"You know, I'm totally fine with giving up all dairy all together."
"Really? Why's that?"
"Well, to be honest, drinking cow boob milk is pretty creepy."
You know, when you present it that way...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Quote of the Day
Emily: "If we were vegan, then we could only have pizza with just vegetables."
Declan: "Which I would go crazy about! And fondue would be fon don't."
Declan: "Which I would go crazy about! And fondue would be fon don't."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Quote of the Day
Declan: "Mom, I think when I grow up, I'm going to invent a robot that's afraid of tangelos."
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Keep that Moderation Out of My Juice!
Emily: "Mom, I'm just going to throw out water and milk because I know those, but I want to know if some drinks are healthy."
"Okay. Shoot."
"What about Gatorade?"
"No, not healthy."
"Okay, I'll stop drinking that. How about juice. You know, real juice?"
"Well, in moderation it's fine."
Rather impatiently: "No, Mom. I said real juice."
"Okay. Shoot."
"What about Gatorade?"
"No, not healthy."
"Okay, I'll stop drinking that. How about juice. You know, real juice?"
"Well, in moderation it's fine."
Rather impatiently: "No, Mom. I said real juice."
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