Dinner with Friedrich Nietzsche

We are in full eat-from-the-garden mode.  Tonight I made a skillet dinner with sauteed zucchini, onions, sausage, potatoes and bell peppers.  It's delicious and much beloved by all except for Her Majesty,  my youngest.

"You know, Mom, I think tonight I'm going to try to eat the zucchini and peppers."
"That's great, Em.  I think you'll love them!"
"Yep! You know what they say - the stuff that doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  Well, not everything makes you stronger. Some stuff just almost kills you."

"They" also say that there's always a reason the youngest child is the last child.

You Gotta Think Things Through All the Way

So, Declan was recounting to me a cartoon he saw the other day.  He explained that the basic plot was a bunch of guys wanted a way to meet hot girls, and they thought a great way to do that would be to go out for the cheer leading squad.  However, the plan backfired when the plan got a bit too popular and the squad ended up being mostly comprised of boys.

"You know, Mom.  They really should have thought that through a little better.  They're not going to meet many girls, there's a whole bunch of competition for the ones who are left, and then there's the cheers.  They're going to have to do those pyramid things and that's going to be super awkward.  They'll be all like 'Cheer! Cheer! Crap - balls on my neck!'"

Yep. Super awkward.

Dear John

So The Husband and I have always forbidden the children to lie. We have also always known that it was futile.  I'm not sure why parents do this, insist upon something you know is never going to happen. Underage drinking also comes to mind. 

Declan's last semester killed any shred of delusion we may have harbored. Dishonesty, not the drinking.  Hopefully we have a few more years on that one.

Dec had been having some conflict with another boy in his class. One can never be sure how these sorts of things start.  The side we heard was that this kid picks on him for absolutely no reason.  The other kid's parents were probably also hearing a very similar story.  Anyway, one day in the lunch line it finally boiled over. Both boys ended up in the office and we got the call from the counselor one would expect.  The Husband was the lucky one this time and this is how he recounted the call.

"Mr. Prieto, this is Mr. Perez.  Declan got into a bit of an altercation today.  We'll talk about that a bit later.  What I really wanted to discuss was something that came up in my discussion with Declan about the reasons why he lost his temper."
"Oh, boy.  Go on."
"Well, he indicated that he hasn't been coping very well with what happened to his brother."
"His brother?"
"Yes.  He shared with me what happened and he said that he's been thinking about it a great deal and it's making it difficult for him to cope."
"I'm not sure I'm following you."
Mr. Perez seemed uncomfortable and unsure how to proceed.
"Um, Declan told me about his brother, John.  ...who committed suicide."
"Oh dear god. Mr. Perez, Declan isn't telling you the truth."
"Oh! So John didn't commit suicide?"
"No. Declan doesn't have a brother John.  Never did."
"Oh. I see.  Well, let's get back to the fight today, then."

This year, Mr. Perez is at a different school.  I'm sure it's a complete coincidence. 

No Pressure

Isa was filling out a get-to-know you sheet yesterday for sixth grade language arts. There was the usual: favorite class: art, favorite sport: I don't like sports. I never have, school last year, nicknames, that sort of thing.  A couple answers to be aback, though.

This year in school, I want to: inspire other students
When I grow up, I want to: change the world

My job for the next seven years is not to let any assholes get in her way.

Excellent Question

Em: Why when someone finds oil do they say "We're rich"?
Me: Because oil is very expensive, and if you find it, you can sell it and make a lot of money.
Em: Oh, so oil is hard to find and get?
Me: Yes.
Em: Then why does so much stuff run on it?
Indeed, young one. Indeed.

The Thankless Job of Raising a Scientist

I picked up a Mason jar full of blue liquid, an empty lemonade jug with a little bit of said blue liquid and the two connected by a wet (and slightly blue) paper towel off Emily's floor. It had the boy written all over it. "Declan! What's this blue thing in Em's room?" "Oh, Mom... sorry. I was experimenting with capillary attraction."

Rapers and Drug Addicts

The Husband and I had walked the kids home from school all year, and decided they should probably get used to doing it by themselves to make the start of next year a little less stressful for them. We carefully explained the rules of walking home from school alone to the kids. Don't talk to anyone you don't know. Never go in anyone's car - ever. Always use the crosswalk. Perhaps we overshot the whole this-is-serious-shit approach. "Why is it important for you to all walk together?" Declan piped right up. "So that I can protect my sisters from rapers and drug addicts?" Let's go with yes.

Apparently I'm too Old for this Shit

After I was restructured out of my job in January, I took about a month off. It was great. However, realizing that the children would probably expect to continue to be fed I went back to the high school at which I used to teach as a long-term sub for a teacher who had been walked out by security.

The classes were a mess. The guy had never expected them to be quiet, sit in any particular seat, or according to his pristine gradebook, do any work. I expected all of these things, which apparently make me a bitch.  It took the little angels a few swipes before they learned that you just can't win a war of words with an actual English teacher.  These are some of my favorite moments:

May 9: I started showing my freshman the Count of Monte Cristo movie today. They were very upset (mostly because they had to fill out a study guide with it - the nerve of me to ask them to look away from their phones). This is me well past the point of nurturing those who no longer deserve it:
"This SUCKS! I don't want to watch this! I don't understand what this has to do with English class, anyway. This is stupid."
"Well, what language is the movie in?"
"What?"
"What language are they speaking in this movie?"
"English"
I did not respond further.

April 19: Grading grammar tests. Halfway through one class. So far, three kids have answered the question "What kind of verb is the underlined word in sentence 6" with "adverb". I'm going to buy some liquor before I finish these. Peace out.

April 18: This is me losing that nurturing instinct today with some of my students:
Me: We are going to finish up parts of speech today, so if you will all go grab your grammar books, we'll get right in to conjunctions and interjections.
Student not that into grammar: You know that nobody likes you anymore, right?
Me: You know that the opinion of 15 year-olds doesn't exactly keep me up nights, right? 

April 17: Reason 237 why I will never sign another teaching contract. I am currently answering a flurry of emails from a parent (WHO IS A TEACHER) upset about her son's grade. He scored 4 of 18 on an open note quiz. Yep. Open fucking note. He received the failing grade of zero on a 0-4 scale. She says a zero is only for missing work and he deserves a passing grade of 1. What I think he really deserves is a mother who is not a coddling idiot. 

April 3: My class that's horrible to me (not to imply they are the only - just the absolute fucking worst) complained loudly today that my class is depressing. Yeah? I'll see you your rude comments and raise you opiate-fueled fantasies of murder. Edgar Allen Poe tomorrow, bitches. The English teacher always wins, grasshoppers. Always.

March (I've repressed the day): I met the building principal today. She seemed to be a lovely woman. Unfortunately, she came to my classroom with the Athletic Director and two security guards to search my students, one by one, to find which one stole my book of hall passes. Son of a bitch. 

There is No Excuse to Look Anything Less Than Your Best

Emily signed up for wrestling in June. I gave her a long talk about how she may be the only girl and that the boys may not used to a girl wrestling and that because she's a girl she's going to have to work harder than anyone else in the room and be tougher than the boys and never cry even if she's hurt.
"Do you still want to go to camp?"
"Yep! I'm going to wrestle them so hard they have to cry to their moms. Oh! And can I wear my new sparkly pink Justice shorts?"
 
She did go to camp. She did wrestle boys. The day she wore the sparkly pink shorts she defeated a boy in sumo and he fled the mat in tears. True story.

The Vitamin Nobody Talks About

Emily was being particularly horrible to Declan on the way home from school the other day. Declan's response: "Well, it looks like someone's body is producing an excess of vitamin bitch!" 

 I kept the appropriate stern, disapproving mom response, and then totally lol'ed when they weren't around.

Best Blackmail Story Ever

Overheard upstairs very near the bathroom: 
Look, Isa! I found a firecracker.
Declan, that is SO not a firecracker.
It is! See? It has a fuse and everything!
To save his future mental health, she just walked away...

I'll let you ponder that one for a sec.

If you don't want to know...

Rhetorical questions are a risky endeavor at our house.

Dec: "OH MY GOD!!!! Just, never mind.  Why do I even talk to you???"
Em, brightly: "Because I'm awesome."