Apparently I'm too Old for this Shit

After I was restructured out of my job in January, I took about a month off. It was great. However, realizing that the children would probably expect to continue to be fed I went back to the high school at which I used to teach as a long-term sub for a teacher who had been walked out by security.

The classes were a mess. The guy had never expected them to be quiet, sit in any particular seat, or according to his pristine gradebook, do any work. I expected all of these things, which apparently make me a bitch.  It took the little angels a few swipes before they learned that you just can't win a war of words with an actual English teacher.  These are some of my favorite moments:

May 9: I started showing my freshman the Count of Monte Cristo movie today. They were very upset (mostly because they had to fill out a study guide with it - the nerve of me to ask them to look away from their phones). This is me well past the point of nurturing those who no longer deserve it:
"This SUCKS! I don't want to watch this! I don't understand what this has to do with English class, anyway. This is stupid."
"Well, what language is the movie in?"
"What?"
"What language are they speaking in this movie?"
"English"
I did not respond further.

April 19: Grading grammar tests. Halfway through one class. So far, three kids have answered the question "What kind of verb is the underlined word in sentence 6" with "adverb". I'm going to buy some liquor before I finish these. Peace out.

April 18: This is me losing that nurturing instinct today with some of my students:
Me: We are going to finish up parts of speech today, so if you will all go grab your grammar books, we'll get right in to conjunctions and interjections.
Student not that into grammar: You know that nobody likes you anymore, right?
Me: You know that the opinion of 15 year-olds doesn't exactly keep me up nights, right? 

April 17: Reason 237 why I will never sign another teaching contract. I am currently answering a flurry of emails from a parent (WHO IS A TEACHER) upset about her son's grade. He scored 4 of 18 on an open note quiz. Yep. Open fucking note. He received the failing grade of zero on a 0-4 scale. She says a zero is only for missing work and he deserves a passing grade of 1. What I think he really deserves is a mother who is not a coddling idiot. 

April 3: My class that's horrible to me (not to imply they are the only - just the absolute fucking worst) complained loudly today that my class is depressing. Yeah? I'll see you your rude comments and raise you opiate-fueled fantasies of murder. Edgar Allen Poe tomorrow, bitches. The English teacher always wins, grasshoppers. Always.

March (I've repressed the day): I met the building principal today. She seemed to be a lovely woman. Unfortunately, she came to my classroom with the Athletic Director and two security guards to search my students, one by one, to find which one stole my book of hall passes. Son of a bitch.