The Sun Will Come Out...

With much frustration, Dec declared that nobody EVER listens to him.  Isa was less than reassuring.

"Well, we'll be certain to listen to you. Tomorrow."

That's disappointing

I was explaining to the girls what a gynecologist does.  I figured they would have to find out eventually, and that sort of appointment is the kind of thing you need to be prepared for mentally.

"We'll, in short, they are vagina doctors.  Their job is to make sure that all of the female reproductive system is working properly.  It's important to see them regularly because they can help catch all sorts of problems, including cancers."

My youngest had a question.  

"Where do they look to see that stuff?"

"We'll honey, they are vagina doctors.  They look in your vagina."

"Eewww!  I was afraid of that, but was really hoping for mouth or ear or something."

Get it???

So, mom.  As soon as I can gather the raw materials, I'm going to make a huge instrument.  Made mostly of PVC pipe.  Then I'm going to play 'Christmas Pipes' on it.  

<expectant pause>

Get it?!?!  'Christmas PIPES'

Truth

Em was telling me about the drama of the day in fourth grade.

"I'm one of only SEVEN people who turned in homework today!  Some students didn't even take it home so I don't know if you can even call it 'homework'.  AND some people didn't even try.  They were estimating problems and for example if the problem said 200567 plus 546890 they would write 17.  SEVENTEEN!!

Declan interjected.  "That's not estimating.  That's not even trying!"

He shook his head slowly with a stern look of disapproval.  "Teachers don't make nearly enough money..."

Best Teacher Ever

"Hey Mom, I've decided that Mr. Thoendal is my favorite teacher of all time."
"Yeah, why?"
"He heard Marcus and I singing Rock Lobster going in to school this morning, then he played it on the piano during orchestra.  That's pretty awesome.  Oh, and he also has his own YouTube channel."

I Used to be Pretty

I did.  Seriously.

I didn't think I was pretty then, but in retrospect I was. I could date who I wanted for the most part.  I got a really good job once because the boss was kind of pervy and liked how I looked.  I got used to appreciative glances from strange men.  I didn't have to buy drinks if I chose my outfit carefully before going to the bar. A Heisman trophy winner hit on me once. (He hadn't won yet, but still...) I was 29 before I learned that when you buy wipers at an auto parts store they don't come out to the parking lot and install them for everyone.  I almost never got a speeding ticket. I guess I just took the inherent advantages to being skinny with blond hair and big boobs for granted because I always had them.

Then came my youngest child.  I love her, but she ruined me. I snapped back pretty well after the first two, but the third pregnancy in four years broke me. It was a terrible nine months.  I developed a heart irregularity, high blood pressure and looked terrible.  I mean fucking terrible.  People would walk up to me at school (people I hardly knew), touch me on my shoulder and ask if I'd seen my doctor recently. 

After she was born, I didn't lose any weight.  In fact, I just kept right on gaining.  Nothing about my lifestyle changed, but I ballooned up with the subtlety of Violet Beauregarde.  My thyroid was shot - hypothyroidism.  Which means that I have no metabolism of which to speak.  At all.  So I have to do my best to exercise to only be 100 pounds overweight.

The bottom fell out of my iron levels.  So low that the hematologist I eventually saw was convinced that I was bleeding internally.  When that turned out to be not the case, he thought then I may have cancer.  That was awesome.  Nobody ever has diagnosed this.  The sum result for me is that I can't take enough iron supplements to normalize my levels.  Iron tends to make you constipated and the amount I would need would result in me never pooping again.  Which is a problem.  Anyway, a side effect of this aside from extreme fatigue is that there isn't enough iron in my blood to properly distribute oxygen when I exercise.  If I went for a run (which is impossible because of my asthma) I could come home and immediately sleep.  

Medications also affect me differently now.  I never know if the known side effects will actually be what I experience.  For example, acetaminophen is as good as a sleeping pill for me. Which sucks when I have a migraine.

Anyway, the girl who used to be a pretty blond is now a "morbidly obese" brunette mom in a minivan.  I went to a family event with my mom last summer and a cousin with whom I went to high school didn't even recognize me.  I really miss being pretty.

I always believed that I believed looks didn't matter. I thought I would be completely happy being evaluated for my character and smarts.  Turns out that isn't true at all.  I desperately want it be, but it isn't.  It was much easier to be comfortable with the concept of being ugly when I wasn't.

Being unattractive is much harder than I thought.  I hate how I look.  I haven't put on a swimsuit in 10 years.  I loathe shopping for clothes.  I still look at racks as if I'm skinny.  I find a piece that would have looked great before, just in a much bigger size.  Then I go try it on, cry in the dressing room and walk out with nothing. I won't wear shorts, anything sleeveless or fitted.  I know that wearing loose clothing makes a big person look even bigger, but I can't bear to see myself in windows or the bathroom mirror.  Nothing fits well.  Too many clothes in my size are just bigger, and when you get fat you don't get bigger, you change shape.  So, almost everything including undergarments are very, very uncomfortable.

I've done my best to avoid anyone I knew when I was pretty.  Especially high school friends.  You would have to haul my lifeless corpse back to my hometown to get me to a class reunion.  I know this is extremely petty.  I feel terrible about it, I do.  But, I just can't go.  Every time I run in to someone I used to know I get this look of pity.  I don't even think people know they do it, but I see it.  It kills me.  I don't get excitement that I have a job I love, kids that are amazing or a husband who treats me better than I deserve.  I get pity that I got fat. It just sucks, so I avoid it.

I wasn't prepared for strangers to assume that because I'm fat I'm stupid.  I have a professional job and I'm a little disappointed how often people are pleasantly surprised that I am intelligent and articulate.  It's hard to get equal attention and speaking time in meetings and at conferences as attractive people.  Negotiations are harder sometimes, especially with men. Things just don't come as easily as they did when a low-cut suit put me close to a result I wanted when I walked in the door.

I was prepared for everyone to assume that because I'm fat I'm lazy and it's my own fault.  And, it may be.  I could exercise more. I could eat more lettuce.  The truth is that I have a better diet than most people I know. And, I'll never be the mom who gives up 90 minutes of time with her kids to go to the gym.  So, perhaps I am making the choice.  I could power through how terrible exercise makes me feel to achieve a marginal result.  To get back to anything close to my previous shape, I would have to give up almost all of what precious little time I have with my kids.  That's time I'll never get back, and not a sacrifice I'm willing to make.  I feel good about that choice, so it's upsetting to me that I just can't get to a place where I feel good about myself.

I wish I could be comfortable in my now very ample amount of skin.  I wish I didn't cry so much about how I look.  I wish I was a better role model for my two daughters. 

If I am going to spend the rest of my life fat and ugly, I wish I had been so since the beginning.  I don't think then I would walk around with the oppressive guilt I feel now.  I feel as if I've failed myself, my husband and my kids.  I wish with all my heart I could end this with a message of hope; that I could be positive and perhaps even offer a story of triumph.  I can't. I guess not every story has a happy ending.

Man Things

The youngest children were talking amongst themselves in back of the van on the way home from my parents'.  Isa could not be bothered and had chosen to hide in her headphones almost immediately.

"You have to be careful, Declan.  If you loose your man card than you have do something really super manly to get it back."
"What, like wrestle a bear or take out the trash?"

Yeah, either/or.

So. Much. Hair.

Emily talks. A lot. All the time.  I believe she may physically fear silence.  She gets this from her father.

The other day they were talking to each other, as often happens in the evening when they have worn down the attention spans of the rest of the family to nubs.  I only catch part of their conversations, and usually wouldn't understand most of it if I did give it my entire attention.  This one, however amused me.

"I am very strong."
"That's right.  You are built like me."
"I look a lot like you.  In fact, if I got a bald spot I'd look just like you!  And chest hair.  With gray in it. And back hair. And lots of arm hair.  And armpit hair like Isa has.  And toe knuckle hair..."

Deny, Deny, Deny!

So I walk into the kitchen and cornstarch slurry is drizzled all over. All over the wood floor, the counters, down the front of the stove and dried drips all over our dark wood cabinets.

DECLAN!! 

He reports to the kitchen with a thin layer of cornstarch on his clothes.  Front and back.  Despite this, the most damning of circumstantial evidence, he threw his hands up and absolutely insisted he had no knowledge of the cause of the mess. Curiously though, he did immediately offer to clean it up.

When I am in the looney bin blathering about non-Newtonian liquid, I am relying on you, my friends, to smuggle me liquor...

What You Can Learn from a Crazy Person with a Gun

The Husband was reading to Dec and I from the internet.  Apparently, some young man in Canada had snapped and gone full-on Rambo.  He put on camos, put a black headband around his forehead, armed himself to the teeth and took to the forest.  He killed three mounties before they caught him in someone's backyard.

Dec pondered all of it for a little bit.

"You know, I bet you could really learn a lot of survival skills from that guy.  Not people skills, obviously."

Obviously.

On Girls and Hair

Declan informed me that in middle school, as opposed to elementary school, most of his classmates who disliked him were girls.  "But, they're just jealous because I have better hair than them."

The Joy of In-School Suspension

So the boy is serving day two of in-school suspension today. (Fun fact: it is called the "student success center" which I find absolutely hilarious) We were discussing it last night and his take on it is this: "I actually like it a lot better than regular school. Nobody bothers you and you have quiet so that you can really do your work and get everything done." He likes it because it allows him to do a better job on his school work?? Parenting is hard...

Lucky

"How's cleaning your room coming along, Isabella?"
"Okay. I've had to throw away several squirrel tails that the cats left in my room. Victoria also left me a foot she chewed off a rabbit. I'm not so sure that's lucky..."

Nerdish

We require the kids to participate in at least one active thing over the summer. I asked Declan what his choice would be & he said Wii Fit. I am raising Sheldon Cooper.

Winner

Overheard in the living room:

Em saw something on tv that showed a picture of Sarah Palin shooting something.  I know.  Weird, huh?  She asked who Sarah Palin was.  Dec answered, "a loud, stupid republican".

I win parenting.

Middle

"Oh hey, Mom! I had a long talk with Mr. Eubanks today. Not in a bad way (he's the principal), but I was in line and lunch and he complimented my shirt, and we started talking about pets and middle middle middle our cat Albert may be our school's new mascot!"

Love, actually

Text (in crayon) from a puzzle card from the youngest (unedited): 

Hi Mom and daddy. I hope you'r going to have a great Valentines Day! You'r the best parents ever. Thanks for everything you did for me in the past year! And I love you both very much! You raise me, Isabella, and Declan well. And I will always be your baby girl. And if I say I am going to run away, you know I don't mean it. I am so lucky to have such nice parents keep up the good work! love,Emily
 

Wait, what?

Declan came down the stairs, and made the following announcement.

"Celery!  Great snack, bad pizza topping!"
"That's great, son.  From what show did you steal that one?"
"Oh no, Mom.  That's not from a show, just my own personal experience."