Parenting > Dignity

I am the proud new owner of a minivan. Okay. Proud may be pushing it a bit. I am the reluctant and slightly bummed owner of a minivan.

Much like elastic waist pants and sun visors, this is something that I swore I would die before I ever owned. I'm still holding out on the visor and pants, by the way. Just saying.

The thing with the minivan is that it is incredibly convenient. It was just getting difficult cramming the three kids into the backseat of the Jetta. Basically what I'm hoping to do is trade my cool card and last shred of dignity to avoid even more hideous behaviors.

Here's the thing. I found myself turning into my dad without the van. It is all the kids' fault, of course. They couldn't leave each other the hell alone.

"Mom! Declan's touching my leg!"

"Mom! Emily is sleeping on my arm!"

"Mom! Emily keeps saying 'bearp' over and over at me and WON'T! SHUT! UP!"

Whack! "OOOwwwwww!"

I found myself saying the most unimaginable things. I actually at one point threatened to stop the car. I couldn't believe it, either. What was even more terrifying is that I really, really meant it. I would totally have stopped the car.  It was time to act before it was too late.

In my defense, I did buy the most tricked out, badass minivan I could find. It has an awesome stereo, automatic doors and seat warmers. And to cater to the cold wuss that I am, it has remote start. Did I mention the seat warmers?

Unfortunately, no manner of gadgetry or DVD screens can change the fact that I drive a fucking minivan. I have exchanged my last bit of at this point totally imagined cool factor to be sure that I don't throw one of my offspring from a moving compact for saying "bearp" once too often. I am officially middle-aged. Most terrifying of all is that it's not as traumatic a transformation as I'd always imagined.

Hmm. I bet elastic pants are quite comfortable...