sad

One of my friends is going to die this week. I don't know that for sure I guess, but that what his doctors say and I'm pretty certain they don't say that unless they are confident in that fact. It's not fair. Ryan is only 30. He wasn't in an accident or anything tragic, he's just sick and is going to die.

I've never had a friend die before. I'm not sure what to do. People in my life have died, but they've either been old or not very close. Ryan isn't either. I should have made more time to see him, invited him over more, all that stuff. But damn it, he's fucking 30. He's not supposed to die on us. He's supposed to be here for Thanskgiving and the zoo in the spring and to watch baseball next summer. He's not supposed to die.

I'm going to go see him in the hospital on Thursday. I don't want to, and I hate myself for that. I want to say goodbye, and I want to hug him and tell him I love him. But, I am going to cry. A lot. I'm going to be hopelessly sad and I don't want his last week to be sad. I want him to come over for wings and scones and beer and sit on our couch and watch baseball and talk about nothing for hours and just be a part of our weird little family for a day. But, he can't. I'm going to go see him in a sterile, horrible hospital that smells like death. He's probably going to be hooked up to tubes and shit and it's not going to be normal, there will be no baseball and there will definately be no beer. And, I'm afraid I'm not going to know what to say.

I'm angry. I'm distraught. I'm guilty. But most of all, I want him back. He's a beautiful soul and it's not fair that he's leaving.

I love you Ryan. I'll see you Thursday.